Deer: Innocent Victims, or Weapons of Mass Discomfort... by the Government?

You're in the woods with your favorite Remington hunting rifle, looking for a kill to feed your family. You see nothing for a long time, but then suddenly out of your peripheral vision you spot a jackrabbit. You get down on one knee quickly, and take aim. Then you notice something else, an even greater foe to vanquish: a light brown, white browed baby doe. You say to yourself, "By golly! This is so much better than a silly ol' rabbit!" and you promtly take aim at the deer. But of course, you saying such a stupid thing out loud scared the deer and the rabbit off, thus making you go home to your wife and six children with nothing but a frown.
Though many people go through this tragedy, none have sat back and truly thought about it. Why do they always run? Why can't you ever hit one? Well, I have the answer for you, and it is as simple as Charleton Heston's acting: they're robots.

robot

Yes, I know what you're thinking: "Why didn't I realize this!" Don't worry too much about it, you aren't alone. In fact, hunters across the globe have had the same situation as you. This may come as a shock to you, but the truth is, nobody has ever killed a deer.

lies

"Oh NO, Mr. J-Man, that can't be true lololol I here bout ppl who kill dere all the time!!!11!!!!!!1" Silence, fools. That's what they want you to think! The people who "kill deer" are lying to compensate for their obvious lack of awesome. They buy the busts from Wal-Mart and make up stories about how they jumped at them from out of a tree and slit its throat with a block of ice, but the truth is they never killed a deer either. Yes, nobody has killed a deer, because it is impossible.
There are two purposes of deer's existence. One is to defer hunters' attention from woodland creatures such as jackrabbits, squirrels, black bears, mountain lions, penguins, and llamas, since everyone knows it's more impressive to kill a deer. This saves the population of the woods from hunters, allowing them to flourish. The bad side of this is that they are now overpopulating and can soon take over the planet, all thanks to the government. Thanks a lot government for making us have too many animals.
Another purpose is what I like to call "automobile population control." When the government realizes that we have too high a population of vehicles, or if they see that a certain car owner requires a car at a certain time, the government sends in a deer to kamikaze into a car. This past weekend, I was planning on going to a paintball game, and we were taking two cars so we wouldn't have to be uncomfortable on the two hour trip. On the way back from dinner the night before, the other car was broadsided by a deer, rendering it inoperative. The mechanical maniac ran out from the woods at full sprint and slammed its robotic dome into the front of the door, denting it in and dislocating a headlight. Then, it simply got up and ran off, without being phased by its head-to-steel confrontation. Could a living creature really do this? We then had to drive two hours as a group of six plus a full trunk of equipment, so one of the men had to sit up in front between me and the passenger. Thanks, government, for this involuntary homosexual experience.

Deer are dangerous, and futile targets. When you go hunting, ignore the deer and shoot at the innocent creatures smelling flowers or skipping with their children. And when you're driving with a purpose, keep an eye out for vehicle assassins in the woods. Take that, government. Plus 1 for J-Man.