Soap: A cleaning tool, or a ploy by the government?

You are in your shower, cleaning off after a long day at work. You shampoo your hair to get the stress and the nasty grease out, and then you do it again for good measure. Finally, you get to the soaping process. You lather your body with the slimy bar, and rub it off with the water until your skin feels like rubber, and you get out. Congratulations, you just added another peg to the ladder of injustice by the government.
Yes, that's correct, though many may believe otherwise, soap is not simply a bar of cleansing material. No, my fellow Americans, it is much more than that. Soap is a surfactant, which is a wetting agent that lowers the surface tension of a liquid, allowing easier spreading, and lower the interfacial tension between two liquids. Surface tension is an effect on the surface layer of a liquid that causes a layer to behave as an elastic sheet, which allows insects to walk on water and razor blades to float. In other words, surface tension keeps bugs and razors out of the water, and soap lowers surface tension. So soap actually helps razors and bugs get into your body. So ask yourself this, right off the bat, would you really want something that helps razors and bugs on your body??

soap lets these in you.

Oh wait, there's more. Soap comes in the form of bars. There are two other types of bars out there: bars that you sit at to get drunk, and bars you are stuck behind after you try to drive home.
Neither are all that good, so one can only assume that the third is equivalently bad. Soap's basic goal is to attack a soiled surface, hold particles in suspension, and be rinsed off as a whole with the particles. You know what else does this? Terrorists. They break into a place where they are not welcome, take hostages, and wind up dying with them.

soap at its prime

I can think of many occasions where a terrorist took many lives at once including his own. Do we really want to wipe drunk driving terrorists on us?
Soap is a mixture of sodium or potassium salts of fatty acids which are hydrolyzed by the base. Sodium, as we all know, is one of the two components to salt, with the other being the chlorine in your pool. We all love taking showers after going in the pool right? But you know how your hair feels when you try to wash it? It's because half of the components of salt are in your hair. If you use soap, you are putting the other half of salt on your body. If you were to ever put soap in your hair after being in the pool, or your hair would most definitely turn into salt, and you could just shake your head over your french fries and eat them without a problem. But also, think about it - what happens if you put a lot of salt in your mouth? You get really thirsty right? What happens if you put a lot of half of salt on your body? Your body gets thirsty! Do you really want to make your body thirsty? And potassium is in bananas. Bananas are disgusting. Do you really want bananas on your body?
Soap is made from fatty acids. A common ingredient in many soaps is sodium tallowate, which is a beef fat. Many others are made from vegetable oil, such as olive oil. Now let's back up just a second. Beef fat? Like, the stuff that drips from your angus burger at Applebee's? No WAY I want that on me! And olive oil? Cmon now.
All in all, I couldn't possibly understand why anyone would want to put drunk driving terrorists made of burger fat, bananas, and table salt on your body, thus allowing razors and bugs to enter. I've learned my lesson, and now I just rub the dirt off with sandpaper. Take THAT, government.