Teachers: Segues to the American Dream, or Harbingers of Doom by the Government?

You are sitting in your chemistry class, which occurs every Tuesday and Thursday at the dreadful hour of 8:00 a.m. You and your 27 classmates are sitting in dead silence, awaiting the teacher’s arrival so you may begin your usual routine of half paying attention, half playing Sudoku on your laptop. Ten minutes pass, then eleven, twelve. If she is not here by 8:15 you can escape, completing one more step toward the completion of this required class without actually having to sit through it. Unfortunately, right at 8:14, she walks through the door, a stack of papers in hand. A mild groan can be heard throughout. She begins passing these papers out, which you soon discover to be none other than a pop quiz. “Sorry I am late, but I can assume that since you probably used these 15 minutes to read the chapter for today, you are most definitely ready for this quiz. Begin as soon as you receive it.” You look down at the quiz, and begin reading the questions. Contrary to what you may believe you would see on a chemistry quiz, such as what chemicals are combined to make table salt or what the atomic number of iron is, the questions are opinionated, such as “babies do not have a mind when they are born” and “girls should have more power than men”. And for many of those which do have real questions, almost all of the multiple choice answers could work. You realize there is no way you could pass this quiz, and on top of that, there is almost no way you could even pass this class. You begin to think that it’s almost like the teacher is out to get you, like she almost doesn’t want you to pass. And at last, you are beginning to see the truth.
Yes, hundreds, thousands, perhaps millions of students across the country subconsciously believe the same thing you do, that teachers are on a mission to fail you in your classes, thus not allowing you to graduate or begin your career. This is absolutely correct. All evidence points to this quintessential truth, that teachers are united under a coalition created by the government to keep a majority of students from the working world.
Who told you that teachers are trustworthy, anyway? Who told you that they are the supposed “forerunners of knowledge”, whose prowess is to be used to advance your understanding of the liberal arts? That’s right, teachers did. Yes, teachers are trying to use a liar’s paradox in order to keep us from the real truth, that they are the educated stupid trained to subdue you, to belay your knowledge skills for your lifetime goals.
All evidence points to this inexcusable fact. Take, for example, the concept of finals week. This comes at the last week of the year, when everyone knows that is the time when we are least capable of concentration. At this time, each of us wishes for school to be over with, and does not have any desire to do any further work. And yet, teachers force us to take the biggest test of the year right then. Who in their right mind would be able to take such a test and pass it properly, especially with the questions prepared in such a way to fail us and keep us from the real world? And before the final, the teachers force us to engage in outrageously large assignments. Things like ten-minute presentations, eight-page research papers, and six-minute videos are forced down every student’s throat right in the last two weeks of school, when all we want to do is breathe the summer air. Worst of all, we must do one for every class we’re taking, all at the same time. In conversation, you may have said something like “Sally forced me if I’m wrong, but it sure as heck seems like those teachers all get together and plan how to make our lives dismal!” And you weren’t far from the truth.
In fact, the Syndicate of Teachers, Unions, and Parents Intelligence Distributors (STUPID) is responsible for all lack of progress in us! Every member of STUPID, every teacher, parent, and union member, wishes for us to end our career here. Why? The answer is as simple as algebra would be without teachers: they don’t want competition. Why would teachers want to dedicate all of their time on a group of students, only to have them grow up and replace them? Why would a parent want to train you to become a better parent than they? Why would your boss at your union job let you become as good as he, so that the higher-ups hire you instead of him? Thus, they created a coalition, poised at the young learners to keep them from ever becoming competition for them.
The mass de-intelligenciation starts very early on, and expounds throughout. In the early years, before age six, our parents treat us like babies, and make us dress up and play with dolls instead of teaching us French and multiplication. In preschool, we are only taught to share instead of our periodic table. Then, in gradeschool, everyone is forced to learn at the same rate, in the same rate. Though studies show that children learn in many different ways, and at many different rates (these can be trusted because surveyors are not teachers, not union, and never have children), teachers still force their students to engage in synonymous activities. The slowest of the class create the pace, therefore, because the group can only be as quick as the slowest member. Thus, the smart are made habitually stupid.
Once this has been completed, we continue into middle school, where we learn of the birds and the bees from our peers. We begin to make sex jokes, giggling in the back of the room when the teacher turns around, and the only thing the teacher does about it is make us stay a little bit after school. “Boys will be boys” they say, in order to create a cultural understanding with those who are not STUPID. Thus, we are corralled into the slaughterhouse of sixth grade, where we learn nothing essential to our educational career, but instead learn the funniest type of fart, what girls are cutest, and that we have to wipe off the “x” someone drew on our backs with their finger within three seconds or they get to punch us.
Then we get into high school. Here, the only difference is that the work gets bigger. We have to take more quizzes and tests, read more books, and sit through more teacher-talking. And yet, nothing is learned, because we were trained for ten years to be as dumb as the next guy, to care more about girls than learning, and that it is better to have bigger boobs than a bigger brain. Thus, the masses skip classes, create cliques, have fights by the flagpole, bully the geeks, engage in sexual activities, participate in clubs and sports, do drugs, wear pajamas, and all sorts of other things that they find more appealing than an education. And the teachers do nothing to win them back, because it was their plan all along. They simply “try” to teach anyway, and those select few who were unaffected by the propaganda of the yesteryears receive it. And yet, those few must endure pop quizzes, two-hour lectures, experimental labs before learning how to do it, projects due in two days, and many other forms of discontent. Everyone is passed from high school anyway, which can be both good and bad. Those who never tried or did any work pass, and those that dedicated most of their time to the education process pass. This is a ploy from the STUPID to keep the idiotic and the scholarly in the same cesspool of society, as one last attempt to bring the top down.
Finally, the remaining few enter college. Here, on this last battleground, the teachers put everything they have into a new form of condescension: confusion. Rather than forcing unimportant knowledge on us, like in high school, they force on us knowledge that sounds important. Things like theory, humanities, sociology, psychology, metaphysics, and other extremely complicated courses are provided and required for final graduation. And here, we are told that everything’s right, that the good and evil we were raised on is faulty, that girls are in fact better than guys, that black people are still oppressed, and that Brahms was in fact the greatest composer of his time. Such matters are provided to overwhelm us, to force us to think about things that we were taught to the contrary in the past. They also give an astronomically greater amount of work, in such quantities that we would have to spend a vast majority of our time to accomplish it all. But at the same time, we are provided with the absolute freedom that STUPID trained us to desire. With less time in school, no time with parents, and the surroundings composed entirely of people like us, we are given every freedom we need to not do the work given to us. Consequently, we are given the proverbial matches to play with, and are given permission to burn down the forest of life that is in store for us.
This is why our nation is slowly becoming stupider. This is why we are gaining in technological advancement but not in knowledge. It is because the teachers, bosses, and parents across the globe focus all of their attention on making cool stuff rather than training the youths to make better stuff than them. This is why you get quizzes all on the same day, have to work overtime the night before, and your parents make you go to bed early. This is why mom won’t help you with your molecular biology, why your manager won’t let you take study breaks, why your teacher doesn’t accept your late work. And this is why it happens to all of us, everywhere.
There are two ways, and only two ways, out of this STUPID trap. The first is the easy way out. Do not let STUPID win. Though by the time you read this, and have seen the light, you are far into the destructive process (it is lucky you are even able to read; they would take that away too if they could), there is still time to escape. All you must do is avoid STUPID entirely. Get away from your parents, get out of your job, and don’t go to school. Live on the streets, and sneak into the library periodically to teach yourself with their books or to wash your hair in their sink. Don’t let STUPID destroy your dreams; find them without their influence. Then when you feel that you’re ready, start your own business, raise your own children, and educate your associates and children in the dangers of STUPID education. Without the influence of teachers, parents, and the union, you should be able to accomplish this within three years or so, so get to it quickly.The other way is to understand. If you can see this coming, and make efforts to avoid the traps, you should be able to find success. The hole in the STUPID trap is that not everyone falls through. A small percentage can make it, and create the dreaded competition that they fear. If you keep an open mind, allow independent thought to run through your veins, and provide the necessary time toward your studies, you can successfully gain an education in the educative process. Though for many it is too late, if you put your whole mind to success, you can make it. Don’t let the teachers, the union, your parents, or the government hold you back; be all you can be, live your dreams, and show STUPID they can’t stop us.